Woah Nelly Indeed

Let me begin this open letter by re-introducing myself. My name is Michael Morrison and I actually attended one of your concerts quite a few years back in Saint John, NB. I don’t know if you remember, but you definitely waved at me.Earlier this evening I had the opportunity to see you again at the Saddledome, here in Calgary. I was pretty far back so don’t feel bad that we didn’t get to see each other.

Anyway, I wanted to write you at letter to let you know how I thought the concert went. I know that being a single mom you probably don’t have time to sit down and really look at your concerts and seeing as how we are already friends I thought I could do this for you. I really don’t mind.

I’ll be honest Nelly, if I can call you that; I was a little surprised by the first part of your show. I actually checked my ticket twice to confirm that I was indeed at a Nelly Furtado concert and not Tiffany. I was confused by the 80’s feel of the concert. I’m talking Flock of Seagulls, not The Breakfast Club. Between the feather fans and the dancers, of which I will dedicate a whole paragraph to later, I was a little concerned Nelly.

I remember the first time I saw you, you remember back in Saint John, it was before your re-invention of sorts. Your stage was pretty barebones. Your own name shone in lights against a black curtain. A small band accompanied you as you hopped all over the stage. Boy have things changed for you. You put out one album that doesn’t sell well after Woah Nelly and pump out a kid and it’s whole new Nelly. It was almost like I was seeing you again for the first time. For some of your musical numbers I even found it difficult to find you on stage. You are so talented, I was sad to see you disappearing between the greatest 80’s cover band alive, a huge set and crazy crazy dancers.Ok, I’ve breached the topic twice now, so I might as well it get over with. Nelly, the dancers? Really, I mean the dancers? Wow. I’ve been to quite a few concerts in my life and these were by far the worst of the bunch. Of course this would all be explained later when you invited the chorographer out and he danced to what I can only assume to be a scene from The Lion King. The dancers were awful, really really awful. What can I say to make you understand? Um.oh I know. Think Dancing with the Stars: Canadian Edition. Yes Nelly, I’m being serious. You need to know this. You need to find better dancers; in fact you don’t even need dancers at all. Some of my favorite numbers of the night had you singing by yourself to the crowd with just a little accompianament. Don’t sell yourself short.
The dancers were really the biggest complaint of the night. Although “Showtime” made me want to gouge my eyes out with Heather Mills’ prosthetic, I really did enjoy the rest of your show. My favorites included watching 12-year-old girls singing “Promiscuous Girl” along with you and your version of Gnarles Barkley’s “Crazy”. I also loved “Try”, I’ve always loved this song and I appreciated you going back to your “pre-whore” days whenever it was possible. It was also a real treat to see you bring out your daughter for your finale. Although I was a little concerned when after a failed attempt to bring her off stage with you, you left the 3-year-old girl alone on stage with the scary Lion King dancers until the lights went out. I couldn’t decide if it was simply neglect or perhaps your daughter witnessed why people call her mom a Promiscuous girl and didn’t entirely feel comfortable going backstage with you. But I’m a fan and I’m not here to judge.

So it is with a heavy heart that I bid you farewell again. I’m still a big fan and can’t wait to see what you do next.

All the Best,

Michael Morrison

PS, I feel like you should know that your Nelly Furtado glow sticks actually look like glow in the dark dildos. I wasn’t the only one to notice and it isn’t exactly a big deal, but again I was concerned to see grown men selling them to pre-pubescent girls. Just a heads up for the next tour!