>Sometimes funny things happen to me. Sometimes they are within my control, sometimes they are not. This weekend I found myself in a situation where I found myself asking, “Michael, WTF!?”

Time: Saturday October 8th, 2006, 4:00pm
Place: Banff Springs, Willow Spa, Room #11

My very nice friends Chad and Tonya treated me to a weekend at the Spa, as a thank you for hooking them up with hotel discounts during their many travels. I hurridely signed up for something called a Body Quench. “That sounds refreshing” I remember saying to myself.

As I checked into the Spa, I realized I had no idea what I had signed myself up for, so before entering I asked the receptionist what exactly a “Body Quench” was, to which she explained.

The following is my reaction:

I’m sorry, when you say, all over, you mean….? No, yeah exactly, no I know that…but like all over. Oh….ok…great…thanks.” I backed away slowly.

So before my Spa treatment, I enjoyed the thermal hottubs, steam rooms and mineral pools (like swimming in a giant bottle of Evian)

Soon the time came for my massage. Now let’s review things that make Mike uncomfortable.
3)My Body

My specialist/rapist was called Karen and she was from the Annapolis Valley. “Great” I thought, “Fisherman hands.” We walked the the room where she explained to me what the procedure would entail. Then she explained that she would leave for 5 minutes and come back when I was ready. “Ready? Oh, you mean…and I’m where do I? Oh right. Thanks. See you soon.” I awkwardly threw my clothes in a pile in the corner of my room, and layed face down on the table. A while towel covering my…well…you know. Karen came back in the room and dimmed the lights and began spraying exphoiliating oil all over me….all over me. Got me to turn over and continued. Next was the Avocado Oil. Same procedure, seriously does my butt need to be exphoiliated?

It is also important to remember that Mike is very ticklish. So for most of the time, I was either giggling at the awkawrdness or because I was just plain ticklish. I figured I had this perverted smile on my face, but really I was just sooo ticklish.

Next came the coccoon of warm towels, which was really nice, if it wasn’t for my itchy ear. Luckily she fixed it with a face and ear massage. Next came the full body massage. For most of the time I was aware of…”the position” however as her hands began the massage, I became increasingly…um…nervous. Thoughts of my late grandfather and margarat thatcher ran rampede through my head. Now I know there was alot of oil involved but it was at this point her hand..um…well slipped. My legs twitched. She continued. Another slip. She continued on with the massage. My surpressed giggling, was becoming overwhelming. And then….for a THIRD time, she touched my….um…again…Um…you know. She promptly finished up, although I didn’t, and we shook hands.

It was the best date ever.

In the end, I really enjoyed my experience, but as many of you can assume, it was pretty uncomfortable. But it was another experience for me and my ever broadening repetoire of life experiences.

Mike Morrison