>Now available on The National Post’s The Ampersand

Dear BeautifulPeople.net,

Hi. How are you? I’m not going to lie, this letter is hard for me to write. It’s been over a week since you and your members rejected me from joining your site. At first, I told people I was fine. I relied on the saying that if you didn’t want to be friends with me, then why do I want to be friends with you in the first place. I truly believed that I was better than you site. I believed that no matter what your so called beautiful people had to say, I didn’t care, because I knew (and so did my mom) that while I may not be beautiful on the outside, I sure am on the inside.

Well that was last week.

Look, screw what I said before. I want in. I want in so so so bad. I want to hang out with people that are beautiful. I too want to be one of those people that spend hours in the bathroom just to go to the Starbucks down the street. I want to be judged based solely on my looks. I don’t want people to ask me what University did I graduate from, instead I want them to wonder where I bought my expensive looking shirt (shh…it’s H&M) and wonder what kind of car I drive (The Saturn is just until my Benz gets out of the shop).

I know some people are turned off by the $25 a month charge to join but I am not one of them. It’s so annoying being on Facebook with the common folk who buy their soap at pharmacies and don’t already own the Iphone. That monthly charge is obviously an investment. An investment toward the ultimate happiness: a life full of beautiful, wealthy and well-dressed people. And if that is not what life is really about, then I don’t want to live.

Look. I know you can’t let me in. The people have decided and now I have to settle on a life of mediocrity and fast food. But, I just wanted to say that miss you, I miss you even though I never had you. And I hope that someday, you might reconsider. You might give me a call or give me a friendly 🙂 while we pass each other on the world wide web. I know this might be hard to believe but I do wish you all the best. Although it didn’t work out between us, I’ll always have the memories of being deemed ugly by some of Canada’s most beautiful and their ain’t nothing wrong with that.


Mike Morrison