>There was a time in the history of television where the name ‘Simpson’ actually conjured up thoughts of two different shows. One was happy, and the other was full of 🙁

Jessica Simpson, the star of the latter ‘Simpson’ phenomenon has genereally dropped off the public radar for a while, and left the animated family on FOX to take care of things. (Although, when Jessica was on TV, she was sometimes fairly animated herself. And by that I mean she walked around. I am so funny, I am like Mike’s cousin.)

But apart from gracing the equally culturally-relevant covers of Vanity Fair for apparently no reason whatsoever, she was only known as the girl who made former Dallas Cowboy, Terrell Owens, cry about his team’s quarterback. See, Jessica and Cowboy QB Tony Romo had just started dating, and her presence at a playoff game was rumoured to be the reason he left his talent in his other pants that day. And T.O. cried and cried.

But that’s all changed. Romo dumped Simpson. The night before her 29th birthday. The night before her 29th Barbie-and-Ken-themed birthday.

It probably went like this:

Jessica dances around in a circle in her kitchen, occasionally pointing to the clock on the microwave.
Jessica: I am almost 29! Tomorrow I will be 29! That’s in like, hours! Tony, aren’t you SO excited?
Romo scratches his nose and says nothing.
Jessica: I love birthdays. They are so much fun. Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Biiiiirthdaaaay to Jesssiiiiicaaaaa, Happy Birth– what’s wrong?
Romo: I think we need to talk.
Jessica: About my birthday? About how awesome it will be to be Barbie and Ken and not our regular old blonde and big-boobed all-American girl, and tall, handsome quarterback selves? Just something totally new and make-believe?
Romo: About us.
Jessica: About us enjoying my birthday that will be tomorrow? And how much you love my theme party idea?
Romo: I want to break up with you.
Jessica: Whyyyyyy?!
Romo: I hate you. I hate your stupid guts.
Jessica: That was mean.
Romo: I just twittered that we broke up. So, it’s like for realz.
Jessica: Nuh uh! I will deny your twitter with a reply twitter that you were joking.
Romo: Do you know what twitter is?
Jessica makes a bird noise.
Romo: I’m leaving. I have to play football; I’m supposed to be good.
Jessica: You have left a bitter taste in my mouth, Tony! I am bitter!
Romo: Take these. (He hands her a pack of
watermelon flavoured Mentos gum.) It’s seedless gum.
Jessica: I don’t get it.
Romo: Neither do I. Goodbye, Jessica.
Jessica breaks a Mentos apart and eats the watermelon interior.
Jessica: Hey, no seeds!

Or something.

Anyway, it’s over. The dream is dead. Texas will never be the same.


Mike Morrison