I love dogsitting.

Why? Because I’m too irresponsible to have a dog fulltime, but I can certainly manage a week or two.
So this Friday I started dogsitting a little yorkie named Lilly. Freaking 4 pounds of cuteness. Love to cuddle and loves to go for walks. I have also discovered that she is a binge eating lesbian, but that is a story for another time.
This was also a big weekend for Lily because this is the weekend she decided to….um….er….become a woman. That’s right, she became a woman on my white sheets, on my beige carpet, on my neighbor’s floor, pretty much any where but outside.
So with her owner in another country, I thought surely my office full of women would have some helpful suggestions for a 4-pound dog in heat.
Responses included:
“Get her laid!”
“Give her a midol”
“You should take the day off, that’s what I do.”
So even though I have an office of about 10 women, they were not very helpful.
I call the vet, who lectures me about having a dog that is not spayed. I repeatedly explained that it is not my dog and that I understand, thanks to Bob Barker, the importance of having your dog or cat spayed or neutered.
Without any help from the mean Vet, I google: “my dog just got it’s period.”
And now, and I can’t stress this enough, I must insist you never google this specific combination of words. Never. Especially don’t hit image search. After sorting through some disturbing stories of people’s dog in heat, I discovered that dogs “special time of the year” can last up to 30 days!!! So technically, poor little Lilly will be a raging binge eating lesbian until next year.
After some more googling, I’ve discovered that doggie diapers exist and the nice people at Pet Planet have agreed to not yell at me for not spaying a dog that is not mine.
So this weekend has been a learning one. Especially for my sister who didn’t even know dogs went into heat. It’s like she never watched Sex and The City or something.

Charlotte: (when Charlotte’s dog gets on heat at the dog show) I once won a junior-gymnastics meet when I had mine.
Anthony: It’s a dog…. what are you gonna do? Go find a tiny-tiny tampon?

If only Anthony, if only.

Mike Morrison