How to fix the Hills

I, along with approximately six other people, are still watching and enjoying The Hills. And yes, we do know it’s not quality television. At this point, at least for me, it’s kinda like watching wrestling as a kid. I know it’s fake, I mean any character that is called the Undertaker and is introduced by coming out of a giant turkey egg is obviously not real (right?). Everyone knows it’s fake, but just because it’s not real doesn’t mean it can’t be enjoyed. Hell, the whole porn industry is based on that school of thought.

I’ve always said, if The Hills would just admit it was scripted, the writers would be hailed for their continuous plot twists and dramatic dialogue, “I want to forgive you and I want to forget you.” You can’t make that stuff up! Instead the show keeps on pretending that it is still “real”, while their writers are probably locked up in the deepest of MTV basements (right beside old footage of Next and the third season of Laguna Beach).

In a few short weeks we will be treated to the first of probably many The Hills spin-offs. Whitney’s The City already looks as fake as the original, which probably means I’ll love it even more. So with Whitney leaving, Audrina going on Ellen and saying she is done with Lauren (see video below) and Heidi and Spencer still pretending they are relevant, could the end of The Hills be far away? Until that sad day finally happens, here are three ways they can save this once shining star of the MTV family.

1. Show us what Lauren’s life is really like. The basic concept of the Laguna Beach spinoff was to show Lauren moving and trying to find success in Los Angeles. Now that Lauren is a house-hold name and is on the cover of magazines, the producers are still trying to convince she is just a student at fashion school. The jig is up, we all know Lauren is famous. So show us that! Show her reading and reacting to all the gossip about her, show her getting ready for her David Letterman interview. Hell even show us Lauren reading The Hills script. If we are going to watch a show about Lauren’s life, show us what it is really like!

2. No more Speidi! You know how Lauren hates Spencer and Heidi? Yeah, we do too. At first it was interesting to watch the breakdown of Lauren and Heidi’s friendship thanks to the ever annoying Spencer. But that was three years ago and with Lauren unwilling to actually forgive past betrayals, this story line is as dead as Spencer and Brody’s bro-mance. If MTV loves them so much, then why don’t they spin Speidi off onto their own show. But having them constantly show up and raining on Lauren’s parade gets depressing. And the fact that I’m writing this much about The Hills is depressing enough.

3. Cast Lauren some new friends. As Lauren is quickly learning, as you grow up, you sometimes also out-grow your old friends and start to get new ones. So where are the new ones? Lauren has lived in LA for three years now and her only friends are her old neighbor (who is no longer her neighbor) and her co-worker (who is no longer her co-worker). Now that she has a dog, why not meet some people at the dog park? How about a classmate not related to Spencer? If the Hills is going to continue on, it needs some new blood to inject something different into Lauren’s stagnant story lines….i mean life. I meant LIFE.