A couple weeks ago I wrote about my dismay towards parents taking their kids to R-rated movies. I thought it was childish and a cheap way of parents trying to get the “cool parents” label some of them so desperately seek.

I couldn’t imagine anything more detrimental for a child’s mental health than watching a bunch of teenage boys trying to get girls drunk and trying to sleep with them for laughs….until last night.

Last night, as I sat crumpled up in my chair watching Rob Zombie’s Halloween at Chinook it hit me, the only thing worse than a child watching an R-rated movie is a child being in an R-rated movie!

Without giving away to much, the new Halloween is basically a re-telling of John Carpenter’s classic slasher film about a child who brutally murders his family only to come back 15 years later to take care of the one surviving member.

The movie starts off by exploring the 10-year-old mind of Michael Myers. In the newest version he is played by Daeg Faerch and let me tell you if this kid actor was in my family I would never ever invite him to a Christmas dinner at my house. Let’s be honestly, I’ve always been a little wary of children, but this kid is almost as terrifying as his character’s actions.

During the scenes that I didn’t have my eyes closed I kept imagining the casting session for the role of Michael Myers as a boy. Can you imagine the crazy parents pushing their kids to win this coveted role? “Now, honey I want you to really look like you want to stab your sister.” and “Sweetie, if you want be in this movie, your going to have to know how to really slit someone’s throat, you can’t just call it in.”

And what about the poor kids later on in the movie that are being babysat by the girl Myers is after? “Now Jimmy, I need to you to really scream like someone is killing you. Imagine someone is taking your teddy and killing it and the blood is squirting every where, can you do that for me honey?” “Lucy, I don’t believe those tears, I have to really believe you are sad that someone just stabbed your mom in the heart, can’t you do that?!”

Are parents really desperate for their kids to be famous that they are OK with them being “slaughtered”? My parents let me do a cheesy government commercial when I was a child and I still blame it for most of my problems. I think parents who want their kids to be in movies that are so beyond graphic need to seriously look at the cost of fame. I mean Macauley Culkin was never in a gorefest and he still grew up pretty messed up. And don’t even get me started on Lindsay Lohan, although Herbie Fully Loaded was pretty terrifying.

I’m going to do my best to Google the names of these actors sometime over the next 15 years, I can’t wait to see how they turn out. Until then I guess I’ll just have to keep my eyes on the kids of Storybook Theatre, there has got to be some juicy over sexed tween gossip there.

Mike Morrison