Dear parents of young kids,

The holiday season is upon us, and I can’t imagine how excited your kids are for the big jolly red man to make his way into their living room and leave lots of gifts. However after several weeks of close calls, I feel the need to write this letter to address certain concerns I’ve noticed. First things first. Just because your child is in a stroller does not mean you stop whenever you see fit to check in on said child, especially in the middle of the aisle. Please note the hundreds of people walking behind you and move to the side. On the topic of the stroller, if you own one the same size as my Saturn, please be realistic. You need one with 4 wheels and a partially formed seat thats it. You don’t need one with a DVD player, 2 cup holders, a hot tub and a masseuse. That’s just exessive. Also, please note. if your child is able to walk, talk and not shit his pants, he/she shouldn’t be in a stroller.

It is also important to note that just because you are a parent doesn’t mean you talk ALWAYS talk in 3rd person. “Daddy wants to go into this store.” “What’s that Sam? Tell mommy why your crying.” “Mommy and Daddy just need to do a little more shopping.” Seriously Dads where did your balls go? I know you have them! You must have, to make those little demons that you are now toting around in your little Hummers. And for pete’s sake, use the first person, I”m pretty sure your kids will figure out who you are talking about! (See it wasn’t that hard.)

Thirdly and lastly. I’m all for not putting up with not giving kids everything they want, but when you are in a giant line, restaurant or crowded store and your kid is SCREAMING to be picked up or for a drink, for all that is good in the world, just give it to them. Shut those things up. You don’t let the alarm go all morning until you are ready do you? No, you hit snooze, so do the same with kids. Hit them up with some candy or pop or whatever the heck will shut em up.

I hope you take some of my suggestions into consideration and I hope you have a nice holiday season, also I hope you don’t have anymore kids. Unless they are like Dakota Fanning. She seems nice.

Seasons greetings,


Mike Morrison