Dear Charlie Sheen,
Hey, how’s it going? Actually, don’t answer that. I don’t really care. You may have noticed that I have pretty much stayed out of watching your train-wreck of a life. It’s messy, gross and truth be told, your hair is sorta freaking me out. But it’s your life, so who am I to say anything, right?
But then things changed. For the past few weeks, you’ve been keep your twelve-kinds of crazy online and you were shockingly easy to ignore. Now comes word that you will be touring all across North America and you’ll actually be bringing your sad little life to Vancouver and Toronto.
So, as a Calgarian, this is where I have step in and say something.
Please don’t come here. Yes, people have money here, money that probably can’t wait to get your short little fingers on, but please, don’t come. We don’t want you. Between Ralph Klein, The Wild Rose Party, The Calgary Stampede and neighborhoods that all have the same street name, we are all full up on crazy!
Calgarians are used to lunatics, insane ideas (you should meet these guys) and wacko leaders. In a sense, we’ve already been winning for years. If you came now, you would be the Zune to our screwy IPOD. Like I said: we’re full.
But even if you did come here, I have a faith that Calgarians (hopefully) wouldn’t welcome you with open arms. Yes, we’re the place that practically threw parades for Sarah Palin and George Bush, but that was then. Now we have the power of Nenshi and our burgeoning group of Hipsters, artsy folk and cool Alder-peeps might be able keep you away. Just ask this guy.
It’s nice to see that Toronto and Vancouver seem so excited to greet you but let’s be honest, at the rate you’re going, you probably won’t make it there. But don’t worry, I haven’t asked, but I’m sure Rob Ford would love to fill in for you love.
Lots of dislike,